Feeling Blue

So this is not going to be my most uplifting post ever. If you're not in a mood for my negativity today, please find someone else's blog to read. I am tired, and cranky, and I want to scream and throw things.

I am sick of feeling tired, and sick of taking 16 pills a day, and sick of being too tired to breathe after a walk around the neighborhood. I am sick of the Navy taking my husband 2 or 3 nights a week, and sick of not knowing when they're going to make us pack up and move again, and sick of not having friends or family around to give me a hug. I am sick of feeling like I have no control over my life, like I want to crawl under my covers and cry for a month.

I've been doing Weight Watchers for about 6 weeks now, but for the last two weeks, I haven't lost any weight - if anything, I've gained a pound or so. And this is depressing me. I know that weight loss is a journey and all that, but I've been following the rules, and therefore I should be losing weight! I like Weight Watchers because I like rules. I like the idea of everyone playing by the rules - but I don't like the fact that I've been playing by the rules and it's not working anymore.

So I apologize for the depressing post. Hopefully I'll be a little more upbeat next time.

The beauty of taking a mental health day....

So I don't actually call it that. At least, not when I'm talking to my work. Earlier this week, I called in sick, and told myself it was acceptable because I needed a mental health day. A day off, with nothing else to do but relax and enjoy the day (despite the fact it was rainy and gross outside). Sleeping in, watching my favorite movies, catching up on some reading, doing some arts & crafts...a day just for me. Even though I had tons of chores that I could do around the house, I didn't do any of them. I relaxed, and played with my kitties, and enjoyed myself. And the next day, I felt so much better. Instead of tense and on-edge, taking my frustrations out on co-workers and patients, I felt relaxed, as if I had a new take on life. Of course, I can't say that it lasted more than a day or two, but overall it helped a lot.

On a similar line of thinking, I recently read a book titled Water for Elephants, by Sara Gruen. I didn't want to put it down...a highly recommended read, very well written. Ms. Gruen did an excellent job pairing together the current thoughts as well as the memories of her main character, and I found myself liking him more and more with each page I read.

I also recently went to see Up, the new Disney movie about the old man who sails away in his house with a whole bunch of balloons. The movie was absolutely NOTHING like the previews. It was sad (in a sweet way), and I started crying about 3 times during the movie. As Scott & I walked out of the theater, neither of us ever wanted to see the movie again - we agreed that it was one that we didn't need to get on DVD. A few weeks later, and I have started to re-think the idea that I didn't want to see it again. The movie made me think about my future, about my goals in life, and how life gets in the way of the goals that we have. So now I have realized that I do want to see the movie again. And I would recommend it highly to everyone else...although be warned...it is not the happy "easy fun" movie that the previews portrayed. It makes you think. And in my mind, that's a good thing.

In keeping with the once-monthly theme....

I started this blog as a way to express my thoughts in writing, as I know that I'm horrible about writing in a journal. However, my day-to-day life is not that interesting, so this has really become a more once-in-awhile-when-I-have-something-interesting-to-write-about blog.

Since getting married about a year and a half ago, it seems like all I have done is cut down on the amount of crap that we have. Both Scott and I lived on our own for several years before getting married, so our combined household has even more junk. About six months ago, we moved from a 1-bedroom apartment to a 2-bedroom apartment, which I though would give us enough space for everything, but it still seems that I am surrounded by "stuff." At my insistence, my husband has been kind enough to sort through our stuffed animals, old clothes, school papers, etc. And yet there always seems more. At the moment, we have 10 computers sitting in our living room. Yes, that's right. TEN. In various states of working-ness, most very old, some even with 5 1/2 inch floppy disk drives. In computer speak, these things are ancient. But they are slowly being sorted through, and hopefully we'll be able to get rid of them.

Which brings me to the point that I actually planned on blogging about today. I have become a huge fan of Freecycle. For those who are not aware, Freecycle is a series of groups, primarily based on Yahoo!, that pairs up people who have stuff with people who want stuff. If you're looking for toddler bed rail for your kid's bedroom, you can post a message, and anyone who has an extra bed rail will contact you and you can arrange a pick-up. I have yet to actually get anything off of Freecycle, but it has been a wonderful way to get rid of stuff that I don't really want. Some things Goodwill (where I usually take my unwanted clothes, shoes, etc.) won't take, some of it people may not think to look there, but I find it a fabulous place to donate extra stuff (an old TV, a computer router, a bunch of puzzles) to someone who really wants it. So this is my blurb for Freecycle. It keeps stuff out of landfills, and allows my stuff to remain useful to someone else. So if you have things that you don't want, find your local Freecycle (you can search on Yahoo!) and find someone who will love your old stuff!

A New Outlook

Spring is finally here!! The last couple of weeks have been warmer and quite beautiful. The trees are starting to turn green, and the daffodils are finally up!

Scott and I bought a Wii Fit a couple weeks ago, and I had my doubts about whether or not it would be helpful to me in losing weight and getting in better shape without making me too exhausted. This $*&#@ mixed connective tissue disease makes me so tired, and even going for walks around the neighborhood wear me out. Two years ago, I walked more than a mile to and from class every day, then went rollerblading for an hour after 8 hours of class with no problems. Now I can't take a 45 minute walk without needing a nap.

But anyway, I've been hearing about the Wii Fit for awhile, just like everyone else, and Scott decided it would be worth it to try it out. The first time I got on, it tested my balance and said my Wii Fit age was 40. 40?!? Now, I know I'm not in great shape, but that's 13 years older than I am. But it definitely got me motivated, and I've been working out on it for 30 minutes most days. I've been impressed by how hard it makes me work. It makes me sweat, and I've actually been sleeping a lot better, something I never thought would happen.

Every day I get a new exercise. Today's was basically hold one arm up in the air and get up and down off the floor 6 times with each arm. I saw it, and wondered why this was even on there...until I did it, and it whooped my butt! I guess this is why I usually only get up from the floor once...and then stay up. But I have lost a little weight, and my Wii Fit age is now usually around 30, which makes me feel much better. I'm still exhausted after work, but I'm hoping that will improve. This was my first week getting up early to do it before work (because doing it right before I go to bed doesn't work too well), so I'm hoping it will get easier. 7am comes way too early for me.

Waiting for Spring.....

I am ready for Spring. Very, very ready for spring. Unfortunately, I now live in Maine, and spring doesn't actually come here until May....that's another seven weeks away, and I am not looking forward to it. The rest of the country is watching their crocuses bloom, and we got another 4 inches of snow today...on top of the 8 inches we got last week. I'm sick of the cold and the snow, and I want some nice warm weather, and green grass, and pretty flowers!

Okay, so enough whining. I have a nice warm house, and a good job, and a beautiful view (even if it is of snow instead of flowers), and I do enjoy Maine. At least that's what I'll keep telling myself, until spring actually comes. Sigh.

People are people are people.....

As a physical therapist, I am constantly surrounded by people of all shapes and sizes, from all different backgrounds and for a variety of reasons. In the PT clinic, all these people are equal - they all have disabilities, albeit to varying extents, and they all have to work to regain the abilities that they once took for granted. I love the fact that physical therapy is such an equalizing factor.

The clinic that I work in is an outpatient clinic - I see people after broken bones, surgery, or when they just have pain that refuses to go away. Most of these people have no disabilities other than what is caused by their injuries. They use a walker because their back hurts so much; they are unable to go up and down stairs because they had knee surgery; they need assistance with cooking because they cannot use their dominant arm. It is rare that I see a patient with cognitive limitations or congenital problems.

Within the last two weeks, I have begun seeing two different patients whose only pre-existing medical diagnosis is "mental retardation." They are in my clinic for orthopedic problems - back and knee pain, but their cognitive limitations are obvious, both to me and to other people in the clinic. This does not, by any means, indicate that they do not need physical therapy, or that they will not benefit from it.

My dilemma comes from the medical diagnosis of "mental retardation." I hate this phrase. I hate how people use it as an insult, with both appropriate and inappropriate targets. Yet in the medical field, my field, it is an appropriate phrase. "Retardation" literally means "slow," and with these specific people, it refers to a low IQ, and is appropriate. But I hate using it. In physical therapy, their is an unspoken understanding of phrases such as "mental retardation", "handicapped people", "disability." We do not use or condone these phrases. Many of us have difficulty using the terms "good" and "bad" when referring to a surgical limb, such as "lift your good leg up onto the step first", despite the fact that patients are much more understanding of the terms "good" and "bad" rather than "involved" or "non-surgical". So when it is medically appropriate to use the term "mental retardation", I still have a hard time using the term.

Unfortunately, it is the most appropriate term. These particular individuals don't have an underlying diagnosis. They don't have a history of cerebral palsy, or down's syndrome, or fetal alcohol syndrome, or any of a host of other diagnoses that would be appropriate for my written notes. They have no physical problems other than the pain that has brought them to my clinic. They simply are mentally retarded. Their cognitive abilities are very limited, and that is medically relevant because of how it affects their treatment. So how do I get over writing this phrase that is so abhorrant to me? Any ideas?

Accessibility at the Inauguration

For the last several days, I have been angered by the news from Washington that the Inauguration of our 44th President will be minimally handicap accessible. The Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies has essentially said, "If you have a disability, please do not attempt to attend the inauguration."

This morning, while watching the ceremony, I noted that Dick Cheney was in a wheelchair. He had strained a muscle in his back and was using it temporarily to avoid the pain associated with standing. He was pushed down the entryway after George W. Bush, and then disappeared down a side aisle, as he could not descend the stairs.

I wonder: if the Inaugural committee had known that Cheney would be in a wheelchair, would they have made the ceremony more accessible?

By electing President Barack Obama, we have moved past our racial prejudices and come to see people, not as black or white, but as people. How long until we can move past our prejudices against individuals with disabilities? Until we can see all people for who they are, and not confine them to a box?